Good afternoon Charcoals and Charcoalettes.

On behalf of President Star and the rest of the Charcoals Committee, I would like to say thankyou to all those that attended the Vintage Ports Seaside Classic at Port Macquarie on the weekend. What a weekend! It was great to see the Charcoals arrive in numbers to what has become a fantastic and most memorable way to start the season.

The weekend started with the Charcoals being spotted by the RAAF in various small vessels off Ashmore Reef and Christmas Island in the early morning hours of Friday, with most Charcoals making shore & clearing immigration by 6pm. This was with the exception Lord Jimmy Dunn who decided to arrive at Port Macquarie at 9 am thinking he could slip passed Border security before the locals awoke! Unfortunately Jimmy set off the metal detectors at Port Macquarie Airport when he attempted to smuggle 32kgs of Beer Bottle tops concealed in various pockets of what could only be described as a well loved pair of Bermuda shorts! Don’t worry Lord Jim they will come back in to fashion sometime. After 3 internal examinations and a plea of no more! by security staff Jim reluctantly left the Airport.

The Charcoals then made their presence known at several local watering holes that evening for a quiet meal and light refreshments. It was great to see we had 3 new players with us on the tour. Young Jason who will temporarily be known as “Boots” If you weren’t there you will work it out at our next game if he has the audacity to turn up in those boots! And Henri who in his very first game of Rugby managed to show all the precision of Swiss timing and cross the line for a magnificent try, well done!

Then there was the third new player who I never did catch sight of, but he must have been there! Because every Pub we went in to the Doorman kept saying “ Sorry mate, you’ve had too much to drink” and this is remark that would never be said of a seasoned Charcoal! Because as you know, you can never have too much to drink! Isn’t that right? Bob, Tiny, Dome, Jimmy, Pom, Magic, Greedy, Chucky, Rabbit, Gunna, Mustard, Boots, Henri, Starry, Marty, Roy!

The Saturday saw the Charcoals take to the Field in our first match against a combined Coffs Harbour/ Old Horns outfit the reveled in the unique style of Mid North Coast Rugby. The Charcoals took a while to adapt to the Local rules but despite a few humorous incidents namely Starry being accidently pole axed by Boots, POM playing fullback and standing 20 metres back to receive a pass, and being penalized and handing over possession 5 metres before he made the advantage line, because you are only allowed to run 15 meters! Dome running in a try which bewildered our opponents, because the other 14 Charcoals instead of running support to the SBG where stopped and yelled “ TACKLE HIM” “NO” “REF PENALTY” “OFFSIDE, ANYTHING JUST DON’T LET HIM SCORE” Then there was yours truly, who in a moment of sheer brilliance managed to Falcon myself. Even I will have to admit it was one of my best! I think Starry summed it up best with a giggle and a call of D$%@HEAD !

The second Game had the Charcoals up against a determined Vintage Ports team lead by Danny Crisp. This game was much more to our liking as the Port boys came out guns blazing and ready to go. Bruce “Greedy” Smith was suffering from some early nerves, as he was seen on a couple of occasions trying to cover up small mounds of diced Carrots that he regurgitated on the pitch. You would have thought that such a seasoned player wouldn’t get those nerves anymore? Gunna had a cracker of a game, showing great mobility getting to every breakdown on what was a very hot and Humid day. He also picked up a player of the day award for his efforts. Tiny looked the fittest he’s been in recent seasons and in true Harrison fashion pulled off some “earth shattering tackles” even if another Charcoal did take the credit for them later on! More on that individual later!

Strong games where had by all the Boys with a big Hats off to Tiny, Dome, POM, Chucky, Henri, Rabbs, Boots, Lord Jim, Starry, Greedy, Mustard, Slabbs, Gunna, Cecil, Roy the Boy, and Muddy who took on the management role for the day!

Now let’s see have I forgotten anybody? Ahh yes, a certain player whose identity will be kept secret, but let’s just say for the record his nickname rhymes with TRAGIC, was seen to be basking in the glory of Charcoals Enforcer Tony “Tiny” Harrison. This particular player known as TRAGIC, was seen at the Presentation Dinner holding court to a few Port players reliving the scene of Battle, and how he (TRAGIC) would make one tackle and BAM the guy would go down, then BAM he would make another one then BAM another, BAM another, BAM another. ARE YOU SEEING THE PATTERN HERE?

This lead to the Port boys naming him the Assassin, which he could not get enough of! For the rest of the night we had to endure the said player calling himself the assassin and covering his face with a napkin like an assassin’s mask. He was also heard to have said to his band of eager followers, and quote this is word perfect “im still developing as a player, it’s scary I just don’t know how good I will get” The thing that puzzled most of the Charcoals that night is, we weren’t sure that Magic, oh I mean TRAGIC was describing the same game that we were playing.

However even having made the above quote, we must acknowledge the fact that Paul “Hello, Im Paul the assassin” Johnson did infact score three tries in that game, which was an outstanding feat! And worthy of a Knighthood. Another worthy mention was Lord Jimmy Dunn who received his 200^th Cap from the Charcoals on the weekend. The Breakdown was left pocket 72 Corona , 28 VB, right pocket 47 Carlton Cold and 53 Heineken and a crushed VB Gold can. Jim has since been sponsored by Alcoa in recognition of his work for recycling.

Anyway that is the weekend that was!
Looking forward to seeing you all at the President game on Friday the 19^th of March at TG Millner 6pm for 6:30 kick off.

All the Best and BAM from

Grant “ Morgs” Morgan
Captain of the Bottletop assassins Rugby Team

NB: I would like to apologise to the people of Port Macquarie for attending a public Pool in A Borat style Mankini, at least I didn’t inhale!